josh's harvey birdman fics season 1
by joshua.krasinski.1
Summary: some of these are old fics form deviantart i will post more
1. magic meth

(we open the episode with harvey birdman in his office looking at magazines)

harvey: hmmm

peanut: wahtcha looking at?

Harvey: oh nothing it's just oh you know glossy flawless

peanut: isn't that a chicks magazine?

Harvey: no I think you mean chicks magazine

(we then see foghorn leghorn looking at a magazine that says chicken magazine)

foghorn: that I say that is a good looking hen

peanut: so any cases yet?

Harvey: no not yet ever since the show went off the air we me dying I haven't got a single case

peanut: right just like when john goodman died on roseanne

harvey: john goodman isn't dead

peanut: he is on roseanne

harvey: hmmm * raises an eyebrow*

peanut: well we know one thing harvey never doubt yourself for all we know someone could be

walking through that door or some other way right now

*twilight sparkle then comes in via teleport *

peanut: ahh

* harvey birdman the yells scared for a long time then stops *

twilight: you done?

* harvey birdman then yells again for a long time then stops *

harvey: now I am and I apologize I am not used to magical creatures

Phil: ha ha magic got owned

* Phil leaves *

harvey: so tell me ms. Uh

twilight: sparkle twilight sparkle

harvey: a my little pony?

Twilight: yes

harvey: huh I guess that is a case so what is it you want me to do for you accused of witchcraft?

Twilight: no worse

harvey: worse then witchcraft? What could possibly be worse

twilight: I have benn accused of using an illegal drug known as magic meth

* harvey's eyes widen in shock*

harvey: egad twilight you don't do that stuff I think

peanut: right just go saying to yourself that everyday

harvey: well with that false acussion like that I know what that means

avenger: squawk?

Harvey: that's right avenger *stand up * it's time for me to make a comeback

peanut: does that mean?

Harvey: yes i'll take the case!

peanut: It's about time

the them then plays

singer: who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to fell him? Power of attorney habeas

corpus marvey attorney harvey birdman attorney at law

* the song ends *

* in court*

balif: presenting the honorable judge green goblin

* the green goblin for the amazing spiderman cartoon appears*

harvey: grenn goblin what happened to menatalok?

Goblin: oh yeah about that apparently he retired after the show went off the air

and aren't you supposed to be dead?

Harvey: only in the finale

green goblin: yeah * bangs hammer* anyway let's get this case started

* we see a hammer bang on a callif *

green goblin: okay harvey if you want to make a comeback you gotta prove this little pony's

innocence

harvey: when have I not?

green goblin: secret squirrel's flashing case

harvey: touché anyway my client known as twilight sparkle has done any drugs in her pastlife

heck I don't even know why she would do it

sharkman: objection you honnor she does do magic meth

birdman: sharkman?

Sharkman: that is right birdman I am prosecuting against you

birdman: well I guess that makes sense

sharkman: like I was saying I have proof right here as I call twilight sparkle to the stand

* twilight sparkle is at the stand *

sharkman: so tell me ms. Sparkle what exactly were you doing at the night in question?

Twilight: well if you really must know I was studying up on magic learning everything

I needed to know spike came in and warned me of a great threat saying there was somenbody

outside the next thing I know the police were there

sharkman: so is it clear that you were praticing magic then at the night you were accused of magic meth usage?

Twilight: well I kinda drank a liquid that I turned white

sharkman: no further question

green gobin: that is groso you know that

twilight: I turned it white with my magic

harvey: oh man think what could be the thing to prove twilight's innocence

* harvey then sees something on the floor*

harvey: hmm

green goblin: alright that is it I proclaim

harvey: objection your honnor

green goblin: what is it? Harvey?

Harvey: I like to call spike the dragon to the stand

*green goblin uses his glider to bring spike *

spike: wha? what's going on?

Harvey: your friend is being accused of using magic meth

spike: what twilight would never do that she just was using her magic when somehow magic meth

was in her horse pocket

sharkman: objection horse don;t have pockets

spike: well we ponies do for some reason cartoon logic

harvey: right so do you know what twilight was doing?

Spike: praticing her magic she was using everythign she could to save the world from tirek

green goblin: omg I loved that episode

sharkman: objection

green goblin: overruled not guilty * bangs hammer *

no let's get out of here I have a hot date

harvey: you?

Green goblin: yeah scarlet witch

havey: lucky you

green goblin: thanks

* we then see the gavel bang *

(outside the office we see harvey and the others outside the court )

harvey: wow that was something

twilight: yeah not only that but my name is cleared

peanut: yeah just don't think you won't get into more trouble

twilight: why?

Peanut: because harvey here has dealt with other cartoons like you

spike: well we know one thing if you jessie eisnenberg then you can get away with anything

(everyone laughs)

harvey: I see what you did there

(credits roll)


	2. what a shock

(we open in harvey's office harvey and peanut is seen reading a comic)

harvey: he peanut what are you reading

penaut: oh just a little comic

harvey; I didn't know you were into comics peanut

peanut: well I kinda am I love them I especially love the vinatage ones

harvey: really I guess you got into them when we had to help black vulcan

black vulcan: ( form outside) it's black lightning!

harvey: how did he get out there?

Peanut: maybe he is going around going for power

harvey: hmm suspicious very suspicious

(suddenly we see static shock come through the door)

peanut: holy door slam birdman

harvey: that's batman peanut

peanut: so what?

Harvey: you wanna get sued?

Peanut: actually we got the copyright laws for all these cartoon characters

harvey: weird so anyway what is your problem static?

Static: I have been accused of illegal use of power

peanut: hmm looks like somebody has been drinking too much

harvey: illegal use of power huh? Looks like somebody wants you dead i'll take the case

* theme plays*

singer: who is the man In the suit who is the cat with a beak do you really want to feel him

harvey attorney habeas corpus mmm harvey birdman attorney at law

(in court green goblin bangs his gavel)

green goblin: okay let's get this whole thing started and hurry too I have several other cases

freezoid: hey green goblin loved your cartoon anyway I have proof that staic shock indeed had illegal

use of power for you see static here used his powers on this pole * holds out fried pole *

harvey: objection you honor this

green goblin: how is that harvey? The evidence is right there

harvey: it's simple for you see that pole is fried electricity can't fry poles although it is good for popcorn

green goblin: good point

freezoid: objection you honor for I call static shock to the stand

*at the stand *

freezoid: hey static love the costume tell me what were you doing the night you were accused of illegal

use of power?

Static: I was looking at a villain he seemed suspicious so I went In and tried to follow him but as I

found out the villain turned out to be a animal so I went home he seemed to know his way

around theese parts so when I found him I teamed up with him and we caught the villain

freezoid: and who exactly was this villain?

Static shock: some squirrel with a purple hat

freezoid: and how do you explain this pole? *holds out fired pole *

Static shock : hey I used it to trap the villain not damage it

freezoid: righ no further questions

green goblin: well looks like we all know how this is gonna go but with all this talk about superheros

am tired we will pick this up tommorow court ajourned till them

* gavel bangs *

harvey: hmmm it seems that freezoid has a little thing going on for you

static: you think that is hard wait till I show you my villains gallery for starters I have to face a shadow

guy and a fire guy

harvey: you have weird adversaries

static: you ain;t seen the half of it I even have ot face a birdgirl

* birdgirl swngs in *

static: not you

*birdgirl walks away sad *

harvey: hmm yo usiad there was a squirrel you teamed up with what did he look like?

Static: to be honest he had a purple hat and a white trench coat kinda looked like a flasher If you ask

me

harvey: * gasp* by the great sun I know who that person is

* transition to tomorrow*

green goblin: okay you got any persecutions or anything?

Freezoid: well if you count that Harvey has done nothing yet I say this case is pretty much wrapped up

harvey: objection your honnor I have done something for I cal lsecret squirrel to the stand

* green goblin uses his glider to bring secret squirrel to the stand*

secret: what the? Oh hey harvey static

harvey: hey

static: what's up

* both say talk at he same time *

harvey: so tell me secret squirrel were you teaming up with static here?

Secret: of course I was during the whole situation I was on the trail of a villain know

as dr. camo but he seemed to have the upperhand that is until static came along we bth were able to find

dr. camo thanks to me and static's together made invention the came blaster we found dr. camo and

found him and took him to jail

freezoid: objection

green goblin: overuled with that speaking of jsutice I find the defendant static shock

not guilty

static: yes wait till gear hears about this

harvey: I am quite sure it will make quite the story

* gavel bangs *

(outside court)

harvey: well looks like a nother case is in the books

static: yeah thanks to you harvey and secret squirrel thanks for having my back

secret: anytime static homies help homies always

static: you know you don't have to talk gangster right?

Secret: yeah but I bought all this bling for twenty dollars and it doesn't accept refunds

twilight: well we know one thing bling is the thing

(they all laugh)


	3. bunnyhopping

*we see a house of bricks as it is being built suddenly it come down revealing a silhouette of an

unknown character as it topples the building and lola shows up *

lola: whoa clean up on the housework aisle I guess

* she then leaves driving a car *

singer: who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him?

harvey the attorney habeus corpus harvey attorney harvey birdman attorney at law

* door closes *

* we then see peanut idolizing over a poster of a girl in skinny jeans and a leopard shirt *

peanut: sigh

harvey: uh penaut what are you doing?

Peanut: nothing just looking over what my dream girl could be

harvey: okay weird

* the door opens and we reveal lola bunny *

harvey: lola bunny? What do you want?

Lola bunny: birdman I need a lawyer I been accused of toppling a house over

peanut: well that was something

harvey: holy lola you couldn't have done that you usually obey the rules i'll take the case

* in court*

* meantalok comes in *

mentalok: oweoo oowee oaky let's start the case *notices birdman * birdman? Aren;t you supposed to

be dead?

Harvey: I don't question why your back did I

mentok: good point okay let's start this case

freezoid: thanks you honor as you can see by the facts in this photo * holds out photo of lola toppling

the house* this bunny indeed toppled the house

harvey: objection! This is false

mentok: oh really how?

Harvey: well for instance how would lola topple the house when she was at bug's place

lola: you heard?

Harvey: yeah I was there remember?

Lola: oh yeah that was some party

freezoid: party huh? I would like to call bugs bunny to the stand

*meantalok uses his mind to bring bugs to the stand *

mentok: ooweeo

bugs: eh what's up doc?

Lola: hi bun bun

bugs: lola your being prosecuted?

Freezoid: yep and I would like to question you

bugs: sure * munches on carrot * just be quick

freezoid: tell me mr. bunny what is lola like?

Bugs: let me tell ya lola Is one heck of a gal I was skeptical at first but when

we got to know each other better we immediately got together

freezoid: and what were you doing at this party?

Bugs: oh that well we had a lot of fun there we were eating carrots and playing pin the tail

on the daffy

daffy (offscreen): your despicable!

freezoid: no further questions you honor

harvey: hold on I got a few questions mr. bunny where were you on the night lola was accused of toppling the house over

bugs: really? Okay I was at my home looking over my days in my rabbit when all of

a sudden I heard this banging noise I supposed that was lola toppling the house over but then

I realized that it was just a pipe daffy just wanted to fix it using tools since I can't really fix things

harvey: hmm and were you in any case behing or beyond the house?

Bugs: no not really I don;lt go near nearly finished ouse

harvey: no further questions

mentok: hmm this is getting juicy we will have a short recess

* we see a gavel transition *

(outside at the bircage)

harvey: hmm looks like we could eitheir win or lose but I have to find a way to prove lola's innocence

lola: good luck

harvey: notices a feather hmm

* back at court*

menatalok: okay court back in session

harvey: it's a good thing too for I call daffy duck to the stand

* mentalok use hid mind to summon daffy *

daffy: what the?

Harvey: okay mr. duck tell me does this look famillair * holds out feather with paint *

daffy: * gasp * my feather

harvey: so you toppled the house

daffy: no it's my feather for my cousin he really needed it *eyes shrink * that mean my cousin toppled

the house *crowd gasps *

mentalok: that is enough proof for me not guilty

*gavel trasnsition *

*back in the office *

lola: thanks birdman your a hero

birdman: yeah I used to be but I am a attorney now

lola: well you may not be a hero anymore but your a hero of the court

bugs: and me

daffy: and me since you helped me realze my cousin was a house toppler

harvey: yeah and I think we won;t be seeing him anytime soon

*all laugh *


	4. pinkalicious

we see pinkie pie she is holding a cider she then puts it with the others the suddenly the cops come*

pinkie pie: uh oh

*theme plays*

singer: who is the man in the suit? who is the man in the beak? do you really want to feel him

harvey attorney habeaus corpus harvey attorney! harvey birdman attonrey at law

*door closes*

* we then see harvey and peanut looking at magazines*

harvey: hey peanut you ever wonder what would happen if our cases weren't real

peanut: well if they were we would be in big trouble

*twilight teleports in*

both: ahhh!

twilight: sorry but i need your help again

harvey: again what did you get accused of this time

peanut: hmm could be witchcraft like you said

twilight: not exactly you see it's one of my friends

peanut: uh oh

twilight: yeah pinkie pie has been accused of drinking while driving

harvey: pinkie pie?! she loves cider i know that but she would never do that

*stands up* i'll take the case

*transition to court*

mentok: okay let's begin this case

freezoid: okay well apparently this little horsey is being accused of being a drunk driver

and while it might not be true i have evidence rihgt here *holds up a tire* as you can see this

tire represents what happened for you see this is the tire of pinki pie as it says on the tire

mentok: oh my

harvey: objection you honnor as you can see the tire isn't pink

freezoid: waht does that have to do with anything?!

harvey: well pinkies cars has pink tires

pinkie: yeah i love pink pink is a pretty color i mean i'm pink and so is the pink panther

as is snagglepuss and the pink panther so

harvey: pinkie!

pinkie: oh right sorry

harvey: grr so yeah what she said

mentoK: oh boy well wiht that

freezoid: objection you honnor i would like to call pinkie pie to the stand

*at the stand*

pinkie: okay so why am i here?

freezoid: to give testimony

pinkie: oh okay well i was walking our from applejacks and that is where i bought some cider

i have lots of cider in my cainet from her not that i drink it

freezoid: so you admit your a drinker?

pinkie: actually yeah

freezoid: no further questions

twilight: oh man looks like pinkie is done for

birdgirl: not so fast freezoid i found something

harvey: birdgirl?

birdgirl: yeah i kinda found out you were alive and decided to go back into law anyway i

found this it's actual initals for aj

twilight: aj that's applejacks initials

harvey: your honnor i would like to call applejack to the stand

mentok: oweeo

*applejack appears*

applejack: what in tar nation

harvey: your friend pinkie pie is being accused of drinking and driving

aj: well if you want me to testify well okay i kinda went to pinkie;s to deliver her daily cider

she has a collection of them

harvey: collection?

aj: yeah apprently she colelcts cider she makes cider cake

harvey: and does she love making it?

aj: yeah i love it too it's not hard cider or anything

harvey: no further questions

mentok: cider cake? that sound good not guilty *bangs gavel*

*in harvey's office*

harvey: well looks like another pony is safe from jail harm

twilight: yeah not only that we get to have cider cake

pinkie: ooh thanks for reminding me *runs off*

harvey: you go make that cake pinkie or atleast till the sugar runs out

twilight: awww

*everyone laughs*

phill: ha ha cake ingredient joke

the end


	5. unikitty a go go

*we see a car on a highway it then passes a another one*

guy: hey watch where you going!

*unikitty is then seen in a car*

unikitty: well that otta not be good

* the car speeds by unikitty*

unikitty: well somebody obviously didn't observe the speed limit

*we then see the cops by unikitty*

unikitty: *puts her hands up* uh oh

(theme plays)

singer: who is the man in the suit? who is the cat with the beak? do you really want to feel him harvey attorney habeaus corpus marvey attorney Harvey birdman attorney at law

*door closes*

*we then cut to Harvey's office where Harvey is building with Lego bricks *

peanut: still playing whit kids toys Harvey?

Harvey: oh yeah i can't help myself these are too fun

peanut: well maybe we will get a Lego case today

*unikitty comes bursting in*

peanut: woah!

unikitty: hi

Harvey: hit the deck!

*Harvey hides behind his desk*

avenger: caw caw caw caw caw

*Harvey's head comes back up*

Harvey: oh she is our client Harvey birdman attorney at law

unikitty: princess unikitty

Harvey: unikitty huh? are you in a way related to the my little ponies?

unikitty: not really look i need your help i am being accused of speeding

Harvey: well you look like a nice person and your also kinda cute *stands up* i'll take the case

*at court*

mentok: okay let's start this case

freezoid: okay then thank you your honor the defendant here is being accused of speeding and well she has a lifetime of getting angry and while she may not look like it

she does get angry from time to time see? *shows footage of her being angry* as you can see unikitty is a temperamental monster nothing further

Harvey: objection she also saved the world

unikitty: yeah lots of times

mentoK: so

harvey: so eveb though she is tempermental she is a hero

mentok: okay that is enough for me

freezoid: objection i would like to question the witness

mentok: spoiled sport

freezoidl i call unikitty to the stand

*at the stand*

freezoid; so tell ms. unikitty what were you doing that night?

unikitty: well i was about o try my new car when all of a sudden these cops say i am under arrest for speeding before that though i had just joined Emmett and wyldstyle in a rave when the rave was over i found there was a sale on cars so i got one

freezoid: and what kind of oils do you use? unikitty i don't want to talk about it

Harvey: objection i would like to examine the defendant

Harvey: tell me miss unikitty do you use oil? unikitty: not really i kinda use hope

Harvey: really then why was oil on you car?

unikitty: how did you know?

mentoK: Harvey! your supposed to defend her not prosecute her now try again or else

Harvey: oh dang i forgot think Harvey what could prove her innocent? *thinks about all the

evidence as his brain is represented by gears and the jeopardy them plays suddenly a

lightbulb appears above his head he then throws it*

harvey: your car may not run on oil but exactly why?

unikitty: well i am kinda allergic to it

Harvey: you mean this oil? don't worry there is no more

unikitty: but i get sick from diesel oil

harvey: come again?

*the label reads diesel oil*

unikitty: *starts puffing up* oh no i think i am going into prophylactic shock

secret squirrel: i have been there sister

unikitty: *falls* gahh!

mentok: allright medical recess until unikitty recovers

harvey: but you honnor it is clear she is not guilty i mean if she uses hope oil for her car she jsut uses her mind and can stop anytime

mentok: she can so that cool!

Harvey: also the file reads she used diesel oil and since she is allergic she would've been killed on the spot

mentoK: good one Harvey not guilty

*at harvey's office*

harvey: alright another case bites the dust

unikitty: well that is actually used for when something has gone bad

harvey: well can't argue with that especially cuteness

philL: ha ha ha cutness jokes

*they all laugh*

the end


	6. snapping guns

snapping guns

*cuphead's office cuphead files some papers just then as he shoot at a targer by snapping his fingers with bullets coming out the police surround him*

officer: hands in the air!

cuphead: *raises his hands in the air*

officer: your under arrest for illegal firearms!

*intro plays*

*harvey's office harvey is seen listening to music*

harvey: these songs are really catchy

peanut: yep told ya now if you don't mind i got some buisness to attend to *playing super

mario bros*

jackie: beep your client is here

harvey: send him in

*Mugman appears shyly*

harvey: hey there your an odd looking fella

mugman: i am mugman

harvey: nice to meet ya what's the trouble

mugman: oh it's my brother cuphead he is big trouble

harvey: that makes sense what's the trouble

mugman: well he is in court for illegal firearms his hand

harvey: for real that is is ability i will not stand by while an innocent cup rots in prison i'll take the case!

*jail cell 12:am*

harvey: hey cuphead i'm your attorney harvey birdman attorney at law

*talking on the phone with noise in the background*

cuphead: nice to meet ya i'm cuphead i've been known for lots of trouble but that's all in my

past would you escuse me? *turns to the ruffians* shhhhhh! i'm trying to use the phone!

*they all stop*

cuphead: sorry that seems to happen

harvey: well don't worry i can handle this i think

*courtroom*

baliff: all rise for the almighty judge mentok

*mentok arrives on a cloud*

mentok: not bad getting better each day

baliff: thank you sir *zips up pants*

mentok: alright volturo your up

volturo: thank you you honor i would like to call cuphead to the stand

*at the stand*

volturo: now tell me mr *makes random noises* cuphead is it true you have had the trouble

of *random noises* gambling?

cuphead: yeah but it's not my fault i was young

volturo: but you have been known to cause alot of trouble such as robbery gran theft auto

*random noises* and crack usage?

cuphead: yes

volturo: nothing further

harvey: cuphead is it true that your hand can makes bullets by snapping?

cuphead: yeah i used a potion grand elder kettle gave me

harvey: *pulls it out* you mean this potion?

cuphead: yes it's magic

volturo: objection mugman does this too

mugman: uh oh

harvey: nothing further

mentok: alright continue

harvey: i'd like to call cala maria to the stand

*at the stand*

harvey: so ms. maria where were you when cuphead was arrested

cala maria: well i was in at my ocean house relaxing but then i heard cuphead was arrested i

was shocked i mean cuphead saved us and put our soul contracts in the fire freeing us of the

devil

volturo: objection there is no proof the devil is real

mentok: sustained

harvey: oh good grief

mugman: hey he's lying he is real me and brother saw him he took our souls

harvey: oh yeah i have footage i think do i have footage?

avenger: caw *Nods*

harvey: good play the footage

avenger: *dims the lights as we see footage from the devil fight*

harvey: as you can see theese boys have saved some poor sould from the devil grasps these

kids are heroes

volturo: objection that footage could've been *random noises* faked*

cuphead: time for our secret weapon

harvey: what is it

mugman: here *hands it to harvey*

harvey: *looks at it offscreen* oh right

harvey: your honnor i have exact evidence of that night take a look

*reveals secret squirrel's underwear making the crowd gasp*

harvey: oh sorry supposed to pick up secret squirrel's laundry here we go *reveals a devil's

trident*

mentok: that's the devil's trident i know it anywhere

harvey: also these are the contracts of said kids *Holds them off*

mentok: good gracious well i guess that is that then has the jury reached a verdict?

jury member: we have your honor we find the defendant not guilty

mentok: very well you free to go cuphead *Bangs gavel* case dismissed

(sebben and sebben offices)

harvey: another case another win so where do we go form here

cuphead: well i think i will just keep on my days

mugman: yeah hopefully this doesn't happen again

cuphead: yeah though what happend to my potion

phill: harvey where did you get this potion

harvey: uh oh

*eveeryone but harvey laughs*


End file.
